The day wasn't supposed to turn out this way. Not this day! It was the 6th birthday of my younger daughter, and it was supposed to be perfect. She had been looking forward to this day for so long, or, as she would put it, "foreeeeeever!" We all had. She couldn't wait to be another year older.

Like every "little" girl, my daughter wants to be a "big" girl, and every birthday gets her one step closer. Naturally, there are also many other reasons why she absolutely loves birthdays (what kid doesn't?). She gets presents and a big cake with lots of frosting (would be nothing but frosting if she had her way). But most importantly, it's her day! She dresses up in a party dress and gets to decide pretty much everything.

Before we continue, some background information: as a consequence of my divorce, my girls and I live in different cities, and I'm only able visit my girls every few weeks. I had therefore made certain to time this particular visit to Greensboro to coincide with the birthday of my younger daughter. This year her birthday fell on a Sunday, which was perfect as I could now give her a "birthday weekend." The plan for Saturday was to have lunch and dinner, shop for presents, and pick out a cake. We'd then celebrate her birthday on Sunday with her cousins.

Saturday went by pretty much as planned — lunch, a few presents, some candy, some cookies, dinner, and so on. I let her take home the presents that we had bought, but also made a mental note to go back and get a surprise for the next day. My original plan was to pick up my daughters earlier on Sunday, but my ex insisted on making "birthday breakfast" for them. Normally they have breakfast with me when I visit, so I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't get a few extra hours with the girls. On the other hand, this gave me a little extra time for some last-minute preparations.

Sunday morning started OK. I checked out from the hotel and went to have a leisurely breakfast at Panera Bread (there appears to be very few non-chain restaurants in Greensboro). I picked up the cake that my daughter had selected the day before, had it decorated, got a #6 candle (preferred over the six individual small candles), and got a surprise gift and birthday card. Everything was ready and I even had a few minutes to spare for some coffee at a nearby Starbucks.

It's been over a week now, and I'm still processing what happened next. I've gone over the sequence of events a million times in my head, and I've been debating back and forth whether to even write about it. I still can't believe how the day could go so wrong, so quickly, and so completely.

To help explain the circumstances a little better, I should also mention that the relationship between my ex and myself is tenuous at best. Our communication is sparse and usually by email. In fact, I think I can easily count the times that we, in the last few years, have spoken even a few words to each other — face-to-face or on the phone — on my fingers. The divorce itself was long and painful, but it's been a year now and I'm trying very hard to move on and to rebuild not just my life, but also my relationship with my daughters. Of course, the geographical distance between us is a bit of a challenge, but I'm hell-bent on making it work.

During the weeks and days leading up to this birthday weekend, I had a nagging feeling that something was going to happen. I tried to ignore it, but my ex has a history of being completely irrational and absolutely unpredictable. One has to be prepared for the worst; for every email, phone call, or even visit can turn into a disaster or worse within just a few moments. And when it happens, it's ferocious and without warning — it just explodes.

At 11:00am I pulled up in front of their apartment building, and I called my older daughter to let them know that I was waiting outside. They came out a few minutes later and we drove off to their cousins. My younger daughter was so excited. She had a nice dress on (she simply loves to dress up), and she told me that they had had a nice breakfast (with cake!). A friend had even stopped by to wish her Happy Birthday and to drop off a present.

As we drove towards their cousins' house, my older daughter started to get anxious. She asked me if we were going to see their cousins. I said 'yes', and told her about my plan to celebrate my younger daughter’s birthday together with her cousins so that we could have a bunch of kids together. This was surely better than just the three of us at some restaurant (aside from the fact that Greensboro is essentially closed on Sundays before 1pm). At their cousins house they could play, eat cake, watch movies, and so on. My (now ex-) in-laws and I had even planned to take all the kids bowling or roller skating, should they be up to it. In short, the plan was to have fun.

Somewhat naively I thought that my explanations and reassurance would settle the matter, but then my older daughter told me that my ex didn't want them to visit their cousins. At first I simply couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked her "why" and told her that there could be no plausible reason why we shouldn't have fun with the cousins. I should probably point out that the "cousins" are the children my ex's brother — this is her family, not mine!

I tried to explain to my older daughter that my whole plan for the day was to celebrate my younger daughter's birthday. But as we were driving and talking I realized what a horrible position my ex had put my older daughter in: on the one hand she felt obligated to obey her mother, while on the other she wanted to help celebrate her younger sister’s birthday. My ex had told my older daughter that she had to call or text if we were going to their cousins.

It's about a 15-minute drive to the cousins, and as soon as we got there, both girls were visibly nervous. I know that they love spending time with their cousins, but now they had been told they weren't allowed to. We parked and went into the house. The girls were tense, but they seemed to relax briefly when I showed my younger daughter the "surprise" gifts from the in-laws and myself. For a brief moment I thought we had saved the day.

The girls went upstairs to play with their cousins, and I started to tell my brother-in-law what had happened. He couldn't believe it. Why would his sister tell the girls that they couldn't come here to play with his kids? It simply made no sense! He called his mother in an effort to get her to talk with my ex, and, of course, to find out what was going on.

After a short while my girls came back downstairs. My older daughter told me that my ex had called her to say that she'd come to pick them up. The girls sat down on the stairs at the door with their coats on waiting for my ex. The situation was tense. Even my brother-in-law now realized how serious this was: the girls were visibly nervous.

My ex came about 15 minutes later. She rang the doorbell angrily and banged on the door. She was absolutely furious. As my brother-in-law opened the door, she shouted obscenities at him, grabbed the girls, packed them into the car, and drove off. The whole incident was over in less than a minute, and neither my brother-in-law nor I had said a word. There was nothing one could have said, not with the girls right there — they would have gotten caught in the middle.

I couldn't believe it — my ex had completely (and deliberately) ruined my little girl's 6th birthday. The cake was still in the kitchen uncut, the candle unlit, and the presents unopened. It was now 11:45am. Less than 45 minutes ago I had thought that today was going to be a great birthday for my little girl.

I was angry .. no, I was furious! I had let my girls down. I had failed to protect my girls from the animosity between my ex and myself. I felt like crap. I felt guilty. I should have known better. I should have turned the car around as soon as my older daughter had told me that they weren't allowed to go to their cousins.

NO! I know that I did the right thing by taking the girls to their cousins. My ex was trying to yet again control everybody around her. My ex knows no boundaries and she always counts on everybody else backing down .. and I have to admit, we usually do. Why? Because she knows no boundaries, and worse, she has no qualms putting the girls in the middle. She had clearly proved this again!

I have known for a long time that life after the divorce would not only be very different, but in many respects also very difficult. The most difficult aspect is maintaining a strong presence in my daughters' lives, especially since we live about 450 miles apart. But I also decided even before my first daughter was born, that I would always remain in their lives (unlike my own father). In practice this means that I will keep talking to and seeing my girls as often as possible, and when we spend time together, I will try to always make sure that we have the best time possible.