Old Life Fighting Back

— Photos by ML and Colodio

Today I was reminded in no uncertain terms that some aspects of my "old" life aren't behind me quite yet. Like a dying monster in a B-movie, they've come back for one final showdown. What happened? Well, I found out that I may go into foreclosure. This is obviously something I've been trying to avoid, not because I want to keep the house, but because a foreclosure in your credit record just takes so much longer to erase.

My divorce completely cleaned me out. It's a bit humiliating to admit, but it's the truth. Having gotten used to the idea, though, it really doesn't bother me that much anymore. I feel that being upset over my circumstances at this point is just a total waste of energy — akin to be being angry at the weather gods.

Photo by Esther G

A few months have passed now since my divorce was finalized. But, as so often is the case, there are still some loose ends that need to be tied up, and this process therefore often requires quite a bit of communication with the now "ex". In my case, this is difficult under the best of circumstances, and it's outright painful when we have to discuss complex issues such as selling the house.

At this point I should probably clarify a few things: my ex and I have not "spoken" with each other in almost two years. There have been a few attempts that quickly ended in one of us — usually me — walking away to avoid a significant blow-up. The truth is that the animosity between us makes it impossible to carry any conversation whether by phone or email (forget in-person or IM) for more than a few sentences before it disintegrates. In fact, we only contact each other if there is absolutely no other way to get that piece of information.

The old me

— Photo by ML

I am slowly disassembling the "old" me piece by piece. Some changes are voluntary, some are not. Some changes are quite profound and often very difficult, while other changes are trivial and should have been done a long time ago. The most visible change is, of course, material: I have a lot less "stuff". In fact, I have almost no stuff left.

The strange thing, though, is that I don't really care. Come to think of it, that alone is a profound change in my personality. Sure, losing it all was rather painful, at least initially. After all, we're talking about big things like cars, house, furniture, and other "stuff" that one accumulates over several years. And it didn't happen over night, or due to some freak weather incident or fire. No, it happened because of my divorce, and I was actually "awake" the whole time.

The New & Improved Me

— Photo by ML

Let's see, the title contains a cliche as reference to "renewal" by way of an over-used buzzword "thingy", and all this just to grab your attention. So what is this about? It is about starting over. Specifically, it's about me starting over completely from scratch — starting over in every sense of the term, and, in doing so, also trying to renew almost every aspect of my life.

How did this come about, and why now? In short: a divorce. The details of the divorce itself are irrelevant. Instead the focus here is on the effects and consequences that the divorce has had and, of course, will continue to have on my life. And while I don't want to imply that the divorce has had no emotional effects on me, I also don't want to write an angry diatribe about it. It would serve no purpose — not even as catharsis.